How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
