My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
