Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
