I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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