I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
