Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize