I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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