All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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