Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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