I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize