In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
