The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
