Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
