quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
