yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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