My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
