happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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