as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
