The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
