I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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