i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
