please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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