You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
