This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
