We're facebook friends in real life
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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