My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Having a random hookup so left but love u
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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