Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize