I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
