Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
