Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
