The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
