My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
