so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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