My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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