I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
