My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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