yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize