would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
