My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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