i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
