I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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