All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
