OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
