totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
