Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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