Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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