I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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