He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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