How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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