Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
