And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
