Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
