Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
