I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
