paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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