thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
