Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You're like the curious george of whores
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
