I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
