I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
