You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
