he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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