Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
